[23 Feb 2007 | Friday]

I was Nine years old in 1992. My Tenth birthday was only 3 months away. My brother had just turned Eight 10 days before... My family was always at my house; aunts, uncles, cousins. This night I will never forget. 15 years ago today my life forever changed. My cousins were spending the night with my aunt and uncle. Michael slept on the floor in my room, and Eric slept on the floor in my brother’s room. Michael and I used to be close. It was a big deal that my birthday is May 28, and his birthday is May 29. But I haven't spoken to most of my dad’s family in over 5 years. It was a normal night.... we were acting up, getting into trouble. My dad put us to bed. And I remember this so vividly because it was the last time I would ever see him again, the last time I would ever hear his voice, or feel his touch. I remember watching him walk down the hallway, and it was like he walked out of my life at that moment. My dad was tall, heavier... he drank a bit and he had the beer gut to prove it. But he was the kindest, most gentle man you would ever meet. There was nothing he wouldn't do for his family or friends. But if you crossed him, he had a temper. And you did not want to be on the receiving end of that. I remember growing up being afraid of getting into trouble because my mom would always tell us that we would have to wait till my dad got home from work for our punishment. I remember when we broke the bathroom window... Kids do stupid things. We were maybe 5 and 7... I was teasing my brother from the bathroom window and apparently, Jason has a temper as well. Because he threw a baseball at me... I closed the window, and the baseball broke it.. For a 5 year old he had pretty good aim. But that was because my dad played softball with us all the time...... I remember being terrified when my dad got home that night because we had to tell him that we broke the window.. But he was harmless. Because, even being scared enough to piss myself - he did nothing….
I remember waking up the next morning and something didn’t feel right. We all went downstairs and my entire family was there; my mom’s sister, my cousins, my grandma, a few of my dad’s sisters. Everyone was crying. I couldn't find my mom. I was starting to freak out a little bit. My mom was alone in the living room. She was sitting on the end of the couch, curled up in a pink and blue blanket that was knitted. Crying. I didn't know what was wrong. And I asked, but she couldn't stop crying... She told me that my dad had died. And I didn’t understand. I knew what death was. But I didn't understand that he wasn't coming home. As a kid, what do you say?? So I asked.... "Can I have a picture of him?" and crawled up into my moms lap. That day it rained. It was muddy. And my cousins, being even younger... didn't understand. Everyone left, and we were with my uncle Gary. Michael and Eric wanted to go outside and ride our bikes. But I couldn't. I didn't feel normal. I just wanted to sit. And so I did. Silent. There was nothing left to say. My dad was gone. And my family would be for ever torn apart. It destroyed us. We were never the same again. My mom and I drifted apart and my brother closed off any chance of a relationship with another male father figure. I took it a lot harder than my brother did, or he was just better at dealing with it. I broke down. Who has a break down at 9 years old? I was close to my dad though. And I lost control and one night stands out in my mind. I destroyed everything that I could within the walls of our home. Some of you may remember this night... I lost control, and I don't think I ever recovered from that night. I remember lying in his bed. Sobbing, and crying out for him. I didn't go to school for months. I still don't know how to do fractions because I missed that part of school. I still miss my dad, every day. And it is not getting any easier. Sometimes I dream of him. Other times, he lets me know that he is there. When my mom and dad would go out the upstairs of our house would always smell so strongly of his cologne. When I really need my dad to be there, He is. And I know because I am surrounded by the scent of him. I sometimes wonder how different my life would be if he were still here. ... Sometimes I still think that he's not really gone... that he is living some where else... and I know it's crazy. But I do. Just when I start to think I'm forgetting who my dad was, I'm flooded with memories. It's almost like he's not letting me forget. Simple memories... like him brushing my hair, or teaching me to fly a kite, or the always traumatic Rainbow Brite tricycle incident... I have forgotten the sound of my dad’s voice. When I watch old family videos I'm in a daze. Because he's there.... but he's not now... losing my dad was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to deal with. But I am a stronger person because of it.