Clean Slate

As I sit here with a million things going through my head I have a 21 month old little girl running circles through my house while Hercules is playing on the iPad. I'm surrounded by fruit snacks and sippy cups. I have a teeny tiny little boy kicking my insides, as I'm 24 weeks pregnant. I found out I was pregnant on January 28th. I took a home pregnancy test with my 16 month old watching guard over the bathroom. My husband was at work and I had to send him a text message because of where he works. After six months of trying, and a set back in November I was crying happy. Ava was happy and dancing as well, even though she didn't understand why. She just saw that I was happy and she went with it. After all the excitement from the day I got a call around 8pm from the ER doctor who treated me a few days before with breathing issues & chest pressure. Not knowing that I was pregnant they did a set of X Rays. She was calling with the results from the radiologist. They found something on my lung. She was very vague on the phone. I didn't get any answers and after talking to a general practitioner I won't have any answers until October when I have the baby. I have to have another set of xrays done to see if this lump/mass whatever it is has grown. I will probably have to go through a cat scan and possibly a biopsy. Or, it could be gone, and I am in the clear. But I won't know for months. This thing is always in the back of my mind. The "What if's" come flashing through me when my day slows down and I sit and watch my daughter play. This is stressful enough for any normal person. Now, let's add moving from North Dakota to California, being a stay at home Mom with a husband who works six days a week, 70+ hours, and a family member who is completely delusional and causing so much grief and drama it would drive anyone straight to the loony bin. Which is funny to me, because I honestly, truly believe she needs to see a psychiatrist or someone who can help her separate the real truth from her own. But that's another post for another day. Needless to say, I am tired and stressed. Pregnancy hormones make me overly emotional and I feel like I'm completely on my own with this stuff. I'm trying not drag any other family into this situation so I've only spoken to two or three people. And my husband is so tired of her acting like an immature child that he is sick of dealing with the situation.

Today I got my daughter, who was up from 2am-5am wanting to play then awake for the day at 630am, to watch Mickey Mouse in bed while I relaxed I was successful for about an hour. After that, knowing that she had very little sleep, I made her take a nap. She slept from 10:30ish until Noon. I was so tired, and I desperately needed that extra sleep. I can't even put into words how thankful I am she was so good and slept like that for me. I didn't make her take her regular nap as it was pointless but she went to bed at 8pm without a fight. We were able to hang out and watch Monsters, Inc together and we ate so much popcorn. But she actually sat with me, temporarily, and watched part of a movie. Mostly because I had popcorn. To get my daughter to stop moving is an impossible feat. Her energy level is off the charts. Sadly, I can't keep up with her. At least not right now. I love her more than I ever knew it was possible to love another person, even someone so small. But, WOW can that girl test me.

I'm very much so looking forward to being able to get her into a dance class when we move to California in three weeks. She loves to dance. And she's started mimicking things she sees on TV so I think she will love being in a dance class. the only concern I have is her attention span and how she doesn't like to stay in one place for too long and with other kids around she's just going to want to run and play and give them hugs. We'll see how it goes though...

When we move we're going into a smaller house than we have now. Which doesn't bother me. My only concern is the bedroom set up. Taking care of two small children on my own is going to be challenging at night with a newborn. Having the space in the rooms for our large King size bed, and a crib is my worry. The rest of the house, I'm actually looking forward to it being smaller. It's less ground that I have to chase my daughter around. I'm not worried about the space she needs to play, she will have her own room. And, we will be able to go do more things where we are moving. The area is much larger than where we live now and there's so much more to do. And if all else fails, who doesn't love a day trip to the beach? It's only 2 1/2 hours away. There are so many things I can do with her that is within 3 hours of our house in San Francisco. So many places I can take her. Aquariums, Zoos, Water parks, Amusement Parks, TONS of other things. And next winter when my husband is off work for Christmas I REALLY want to try to take her Disney Land. It's only an 8 hour drive to get there and I know she will LOVE it. By then her brother will be here. He'll still be small, but they'll both still be free entry to the parks and I really just want her to see all the Christmas stuff.

Speaking of Christmas - All our things are packed up and stacked in boxes in our kitchen. My Christmas bins are green and red see through plastic storage tubs. Ava was pointing to the elf on the shelf asking "What's This?" I replied, "That's for Christmas! I can't wait for Christmas this year!" she asked "Missmas??" And I said "Yep, Christmas." then she got excited and yelled "Missmas!!!" It was unbelievably CUTE!

And with that, I think I need to go to bed.