Personal Struggles.

I've lived in North Dakota for one year, and one month. In a year I have come to loathe the area I live in. It's a small town, with nothing exciting to discuss. Last year I was a part of zumba class. This helped tremendously with my depression and anxiety. However, my husband's work schedule made it difficult for me to attend the class and I ultimately had to give it up. It was difficult to even get an hour to get to the gym. The town we live in has an estimated population of roughly 1,100 people. In comparison to where I used to live this a drastic change of pace. My hometown has a population of 8,300 people. The next big town/city (an hours drive) in North Dakota is much bigger than my hometown and current area I live in with 43,000 people. However, in Michigan I was 20 minutes Flint where the population is 103,000. I come from a very built up populated area. Lots of people, lots of activities. It's such a dramatic change to go from that to this that I suffered a severe depression within a month of moving to North Dakota. For a while things got better. I thought I had met some nice people in Moms group. The issue was I lived an hour away. But, the biggest issue I had with the group was that the women were the most ridiculous gossips I have ever met in my life. My High School was not even this bad, and that says a lot. A group made up of 70+ women would schedule play dates and mom nights out. But if you were the mom not present at the play date or dinner you were the topic of conversation. Specific things that were done to me have caused me to take a step back and not associate with them anymore. The night before my daughters first birthday party every single parent canceled. I had already bought a cake, and decorations, and hand made gift bags for each of their kids. And they all wait until the night before to cancel on me. Then a month later we were invited to a trick or treating event an hour from our house. We thought our daughter would have more fun being around kids her age in their costumes, at an indoor trick or treating place. We got there on time and walked the first floor, still leaving the second floor.. but the friends that invited us were late, and we met them at the door as they got there. However, they just said Hi and kept walking. Why would you ask me to drive an hour out of my way just to do that? How rude is that!? I was really really upset by that. I was later at a play date with the two moms from Halloween and I have never felt more out of place in my life. They're clearly very close friends now. And every time I spoke one of the Moms rolled her eyes at me. I saw it, right in front of my face. I have never been more thankful for a tired, cranky toddler in need of a nap! Another mom was intentionally saying things about me behind my back that were so far from the truth, and bringing up personal situations she knew nothing about, because she had only been around me one time, ever. Then went completely crazy when I told her to stop saying things, and removed her from my friends in a online social group. Crazy to the point of blocking her phone number and getting a restraining order. I've just decided to remove myself from that entire group of people. I don't want anything to do with them anymore. I don't have time for it, nor do I really need to deal with those things. This really is the least of my problems or concerns I just finally had the opportunity to get that off my chest.
I'm 4 months pregnant right now. And I feel myself slipping into a very deep depression. I'm tired. I'm always tired. But mostly I'm tired of my husband thinking that just because he leaves the house to go to work that he's the only one that does anything. I'm tired of trying to explain how I'm dealing and coping and getting that thrown in my face. He doesn't want me to put the kids in daycare, and so I stay home. But what I do is more challenging than any job I have ever had in my life. With our daughter it's ten times more challenging than the average stay at home mom. Her attention span is all of 5 seconds. She never stops moving for more 30 seconds, even to eat. In her sleep she is constantly moving, rolling, tossing, turning and as a result, I don't sleep.. and she hardly sleeps. yet she has more energy than I could even begin to imagine ever having. So when he's upset that the dishes aren't done, it's because she stands between me and the sink pushing me away crying until I turn the water off. The laundry isn't folded because as soon as I do fold it, she unfolds it. Why are there toys all over the floor, spread through every inch of the house. Because I'm tired of picking them up, only to turn around see her digging them right back out as soon as I drop them in the toy box. I'm tired. I'm worn out and I have no energy left to argue with someone that won't hear what I have to say. Throw it in my face again that you're tired, with no sleep for 2 days, because you drive a truck for 14 hours then say "Why are you crying, now?" like I cry all the time (which I don't) and it's an inconvenience for you. I'm crying because while you were driving a truck for 14 hours, I was up for 4 hours straight with a screaming toddler who wanted to play at 1AM (every night for the last week) The same toddler that then gets up between 6AM and 7AM every morning. Regardless of what time she goes to bed. I'm tired too. But because I don't leave the house to go to work it's not the same type of tired. I can not wait to move. At least if I'm going to be raising our kids on my own I can do with out being bitched about dishes, toys and laundry. Yes I am too tired to worry about any of that.